Only Cartoons Tell The Truth

 
   
 

Brits & Marmalade

The Worlds Best Online Magazine (except perhaps Syria Today)

         

For British Expatriates all over the damm placer

 

 February 2012

 

 

Happy St Valentines Day    Happy St Patricks Day

 

Funniest E Mail Received This Month

Why Men Are Happier Than Women

From Pete Conway in California

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

___________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

 

Tweet Tweet, Quack Quack, Toowit Toowoo etc etc

(From Sue Sanders in Australia)



An Immigrants Viewpoint

Be Kind To Animals. A True Story of Jasmine
From Anne Weingand in Florida

In 2003, police in Warwickshire , England , opened a garden shed and found a whimpering, cowering greyhound. The dog had been locked in the shed and abandoned. It was dirty and malnourished, and had quite clearly been abused.

In an act of kindness, the police took the dog, which was a female greyhound, to the Nuneaton Warwickshire Wildlife Sanctuary, which is run by a man named Geoff Grewcock, and known as a haven for animals abandoned, orphaned, or otherwise in need.

Geoff and the other sanctuary staff went to work with two aims: to restore the dog to full health, and to win her trust. It took several weeks, but eventually both goals were achieved. They named her Jasmine, and they started to think about finding her an adoptive home.




Jasmine, however, had other ideas. No one quite remembers how it came about, but Jasmine started welcoming all animal arrivals at the sanctuary. It would not matter if it were a puppy, a fox cub, a rabbit or, any other lost or hurting animal. Jasmine would just peer into the box or cage and, when and where possible, deliver a welcoming lick.



Geoff relates one of the early incidents. "We had two puppies that had been abandoned by a nearby railway line. One was a Lakeland Terrier cross and another was a Jack Russell Doberman cross. They were tiny when they arrived at the centre, and Jasmine approached them and grabbed one by the scruff of the neck in her mouth and put him on the settee. Then she fetched the other one and sat down with them, cuddling them."

"But she is like that with all of our animals, even the rabbits. She takes all the stress out of them, and it helps them to not only feel close to her, but to settle into their new surroundings. She has done the same with the fox and badger cubs, she licks the rabbits and guinea pigs, and even lets the birds perch on the bridge of her nose."



Jasmine, the timid, abused, deserted waif, became the animal sanctuary's resident surrogate mother, a role for which she might have been born. The list of orphaned and abandoned youngsters she has cared for comprises five fox cubs, four badger cubs, fifteen chicks, eight guinea pigs, two stray puppies and fifteen rabbits - and one roe deer fawn. Tiny Bramble, eleven weeks old, was found semi-conscious in a field. Upon arrival at the sanctuary, Jasmine cuddled up to her to keep her warm, and then went into the full foster-mum role. Jasmine the greyhound showers Bramble the roe deer with affection, and makes sure nothing is matted.



"They are inseparable," says Geoff. "Bramble walks between her legs, and they keep kissing each other. They walk together round the sanctuary. It's a real treat to see them."

Jasmine will continue to care for Bramble until she is old enough to be returned to woodland life. When that happens, Jasmine will not be lonely. She will be too busy showering love and affection on the next orphan or victim of abuse.



Pictured from the left are: "Toby", a stray Lakeland dog; "Bramble", orphaned roe deer; "Buster", a stray Jack Russell; a dumped rabbit; "Sky", an injured barn owl; and "Jasmine", with a mother's heart doing best what a caring mother would do... and such is the order of God's Creation.

 Editors Note:  Sad to say that Jasmine died in late 2011. Much missed by one and all.

 

And from Stella Goldsmith in Australia

"All Gods Creatures Sing In The Choir"

Dance and Clap with Celtic Thunder

Click Here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iP27eatYxE&feature=share

 

Wheels - Gimme Wheels

From Lorna Brown in Virginia

 

A Poem

From Sandra Watson in South Africa 

If I Were A Cowboy

If I were a cowboy
I'd eat lots of beans.
I'd do lots-o-cussin'
And wear skintight jeans,

Suede boots with high heels
And long pointy toes,
And a shirt with pearl buttons
And a big yellow rose,

And a ten gallon stetson
With a band made of feathers,
And a handcrafted belt
Made of five different leathers,

And a big shiny buckle
Of silver and gold,
And a furry lined vest
So I don't get too cold,

And lizard-skin holsters
With pearl handle guns,
And hard leather chaps
So I don't hurt my buns.

I'd ride a white stallion
And live on the prairie.
Tall in the saddle
And dressed like a fairy.

 

 

There's Nowt Like

The British Club Worldwide "Moving Thingies"

   

Breaking The Ice In Minnesota

(From Gloria Fisher in South Africa)

 

  

Go on then - give 'em a treat

Make 'em larf   Make 'em larf   Make 'em larf

All year round for only $39......

 

Send your friends to www.britishclubworldwide.com

 

 

For Your Entertainment

Books To Read                   Movies To Watch                    CD's To Buy
'Power Concedes Nothing' by Connie Rice.  A great biography of a courageous lawyer fighting for justice in a land of corruption in high places. Don't ask, she says - Demand!   ***** Five Star Rating
'Major Pettigrews Last Stand' by Helen Simonson.  A charming story of an unusual romance in an English village - highly appropriate for St Valentines Day.........  ***** Five Star Rating
'The Greatest Show On Earth' by Richard Dawkins.  The indisputeable facts of Evolution - with British Expatriates right at the top. :-)     **** Four Star Rating
The Iron Lady. Meryl Streep plays Margaret Thatcher and will very probably win an Oscar for a brilliant performance. The movie however gets a bit long in the tooth.  *** Three Star Rating

 

My Favourite Limerick

(From Sandra Watson in South Africa)

Prince Charles in his Welsh principality
Formed a violent left-wing solidarity;
When asked why this was
He replied, "It's because
I am sick of the family mentality

Got a favourite limerick? - send it in!

 

---------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

Irish Joke

 

 

(From Jo Kiernan in Virginia)

 

 

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.

 

Buttocks clenched, Mick performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off his right wellie, followed by the left.

 

He then hunches his shoulders forward and, in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

 

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

 

"What in the world are yer doin' der, Mick?" asks Paddy

 

Mick almost jumps out of his skin. "Lord a mercy, Paddy! Yer frightened the livin' bejaysus out o' me, so yer did." says an obviously embarrassed Mick,

"I know it looks strange but, yer see, me and the Missus 've been havin' some trouble lately in the bedroom department and so we went to see one o' dem terapists and he said I should I do something sexy to a tractor."

 

 

Those Bloody Risk Taking Italians

From Sandra Watson in South Africa

Fabrizio

Rossi

Biaggi

Schettino

 

 

 

Just Fixing The Car Dear

(From Barry Oliver in New Jersey)



Air Conditioning And A Generator!


State of the art plumbing


Log in or Log out


Nothing like a Jag with a yellow bumper


Excellent - and so streamlined


Should last the life of the vehicle


Doubles as a hearse


A fork in the road I presume


Exquisite workmanship - definitely Mercedesish


Nothing like armoured garden hose


That should stop 'em


Also useful when checking hairstyle


Ingenious use of stolen plates


Same as a Boeing 747


The kids will love it


And walnut trim included


Here you pull that way Doris - and I'll pull this way


Nothing like mahogany chipboard

uld

Quotation Of The Week

We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology.
In which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology.

                                                                           Carl Sagan

 

 

Parents - Some Kids Do Have 'Em

(From Linda Hurst in South Carolina)

 

 

Members Scrap Book

No photos received this month

Please send some in!   :-)

 

Send us your photos - we'll publish!

 

 

Street Scenes

From Jenny Bloodsworth in Texas

g l

 

Wrap Up

2012 is a Leap Year - 29 days this month. You will marry the person you next meet coming down the stairs. Make sure it's not the postman.

Happy St Valentines Day if you deserve it. And if not - here's to you on St Paddys Day. :-)

Many thanks to those who contributed to this issue.  We couldn't do it without you.

Keep on leaping......

Arnold Parkinson

The British Club Worldwide

Now in 78 countries

If you enjoyed this issue of Brits & Marmalade please help us by referring us to friends and relatives. We couldn't do this without your kind support and "word of mouth".  

Every little helps.  Thank you.

Send them to

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 The British Club Worldwide

All Things British For Brits Everywhere

 

 

And Then It Is Winter

(From John Parker in Tennessee) 

You know, time has a way of moving quickly and
catching you unaware of the passing years.

It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married
and embarking on my new life with my mate. And yet in
a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where
all the years went. I know that I lived them all...

And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of
all my hopes and dreams... But, here it is..the winter of my
life and it catches me by surprise... How did I get here so
fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go?

I remember well...seeing older people through the years
and thinking that those older people were years away
from me and that winter was so far off that I could
not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like...

But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting gray...
they move slower and I see an older person now.
Some are in better and some worse shape than me... but,
I see the great change... Not like the ones that I
remember who were young and vibrant... but, like me,
their age is beginning to show and we are now those
older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real
target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat
anymore...it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my
own free will..I just fall asleep where I sit!
And so, now I enter into this new season of my life
unprepared for all the aches and pains and the
loss of strength and ability to go and do things
that I wish I had done but never did!!

But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and
I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when
it's over...its over....Yes , I have regrets. There are things
I wish I hadn't done ,,,,,things I should have done, but indeed,
there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime....
So, if you're not in your winter yet... let me remind you,
that it will be here faster than you think.

So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life
please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!!
Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today,
as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...
so, live for good today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember... and hope that they appreciate and love you
for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

'Life is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.
Make it a fantastic one.'
LIVE IT WELL!!----ENJOY TODAY!!!!-----
DO SOMETHING FUN!!!----
BE HAPPY!!!----BE THANKFUL!!!!!